The Wall

So this post has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotion. I had to write because I can't stop crying.

When you spend ten years getting to know someone you connect with on a deep level and invest an incredible amount of time building that relationship only for them to suddenly push you away without explanation, it cuts deep. It cuts even deeper when this person is family, not just a friend.

In fact, I don't know that I have ever felt so much pain or been so hurt by anyone in my life. EVER.

This is what I am going through with my sister-in-law. I loved her dearly. We worked together, laughed together, cried together. And I can't even explain in words what has transpired over the last 24 hours. I am confused and I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. This is the story from the beginning...

My sister-in-law owns a daycare on the other side of town. My son, who will be two soon has been showing signs that he's ready to interact with other kids. His cousin goes to a daycare directly across the street from our home and I was entertaining the fact that if I enrolled him a couple hours a day he could play with his cousin. That would give me a few hours to get some work done AND it's so close I could walk there (since we only have one vehicle right now). I decided to enroll him 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. Yesterday was literally his fourth day going and he came home with his artwork he so proudly wanted to display. I took a picture and posted it on Facebook sharing his creation with my friends. Immediately I get a text from my sister-in-law asking where he was going to preschool. I told her and explained that since I didn't have a car and it being so close was not only convenient but I liked that he already had a friend there.

Immediately I sensed tension. Within an hour she posts on facebook that she can't trust anyone, not even family. She stopped responding to me, deleted me from her Instagram AND her facebook. She deleted my husband from facebook and was ignoring all of my attempts to ask if she was okay or even if she would please talk to me.

The response I finally got was so unexpected and left me flabbergasted.

She accused me of "secretly" taking him to another daycare. That her reputation was at risk because they would ask why I wasn't taking my son to her (they don't even know we're related), she said I was using not having a car as an excuse to deliberately take him somewhere else. I told her I never kept it a secret where he was going and that it had nothing to do with her or her daycare and everything to do with what was convenient for my son and family at this time. She went on to say that she was done caring about anyone but her husband (my brother), her kids, and her parents. She said she was "eliminating anything that creates hurt feelings or heartache". I insisted that is impossible and that part of being happy involves surrounding yourself with friends even if that means risking getting hurt. She said she has all the family she needs (without me).

I feel like I've literally been chewed up and spit out. I feel like someone who was suppose to love me has disposed of me without explanation. She went on to say that she doesn't understand why I'm so hurt when she never felt that she was all that important in my life or a lot of my families lives anyway.

Again, a punch to the gut.

You always expect there will be a time when a friend betrays you and makes you feel like garbage, but never a family member.

I don't have many friends because I am so leery of being hurt. I have always built a wall around my emotions to protect myself from things like this. And I've spent years trying to break through that wall and let more people in.

Unfortunately my heart is heavy and my wounds are fresh. I have no more tears to cry yet it hurts more with every passing hour.

The wall remains.

Dadgummit!!

Well, after such an "inspiring" post I made last time, I feel like an epic failure now. I feel unaccomplished, useless, and unable to complete anything. I feel like I've let myself down. I feel like I've let my kids down and that I am inadequate to be a parent because I am incapable of setting an example of success. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy. I want to be the fit mom. I want to show my kids that you can do anything you put your mind to. I found an inspirational story of Meredith, who was on the Extreme Makeover weight loss edition. She looks amazing. I started following her on Instagram and she posted a before picture and an after picture. I sat there for a good five minutes staring at it...and then I cried.

I cried because I cannot get my shit together and do what she did. Losing weight is THE hardest thing in the world. It takes so much mental readiness, commitment, strength, willpower, and guts than anything else in this world. I want what she has. She has some great phrases she uses; "Do one thing a day that scares you", "Repeat after me; I can do this", and all of these make sense. I get it. I understand what they are saying. The one thing that she has that I don't is the will to fight. I have tried and failed so many times to lose weight that I have no fight left in me. The intentions are there, but the fight isn't. I am the only one who can make this happen. I know this, but I don't care. My feelings are so torn and although I want this more than anything, I cannot seem to make it happen.

I'm in a really bad place. I feel the ever dreaded depression creeping up and I feel like I cannot control it from taking over.

I feel defeated and it's a very painful place to be. I know that until I can change these feelings I will never be successful. But how do I change?

Inspire...

I was trying to think of a great post to write today, but I just couldn't think of much. Then I found this

I wanted to weigh myself this morning. It's a bad habit. I start eating healthy and trying to lose weight and I become a scale whore. Last week I told my husband to hide the scale. So he did. I spent a good fifteen minutes looking for it. In the closet, under the sink, I even got a chair out so I could stand on it and look on top of the cabinets. No luck.

 

Then it occurred to me that a scale isn't going to give me the feeling of being healthy. It isn't going to make my clothes fit looser, or make me fit into my favorite jeans that I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. The scale is also not going to show what an amazing job I did last week of eating a ton of fruits and veggies. Nope! The scale is going to show me one thing; a number. And I promised myself that I would not allow that number to deflect all of the good choices I've made.

 

I feel amazing and that's all I need.

It's the Freakin'Weekend

As if you couldn't tell already, I don't do much blogging on the weekend. Why? Because there is way too much to do with my family, that's why. I can't say that I have been 100% on top of my clean eating journey, but I certainly have made some better choices than I normally would have. I'm not striving for perfection, I am relying on persistence to reach my goals. I did, however make this:

Black Bean Chicken Salad

I love making this because the longer it sits the better it tastes. I like making it on Sundays so I have it all week long for a quick lunch. Here's the ingredients list:

2 cooked chicken breasts (or any leftover chicken you have on hand)
1 can black beans (rinsed and drained well)
1 can corn
Fresh cilantro
1 whole tomato
Green/red/yellow peppers
Taco seasoning
1 small can sliced olives (optional)
Avocado
Plain Greek yogurt
Sour cream
White vinegar
Red onion
Green onion
1/2 a lime for the juice

Combine beans, olives, and corn into bowl. Chop cilantro and add enough to your liking (I like cilantro so I add a good amount). Add a 1/4 of the red onion, chop and add to mixture, slice 2 green onions, chopped avocado and a whole tomato (the tomato I used was from my moms tomato plant). If you have never had a home grown tomato, you are missing out. They are so much more flavorful than the ones in the stores. You don't have to add bell pepper, but I happened to have a bag of mini sweet peppers so I added a red, an orange, and a yellow.

As you can see I have added everything but the chicken, avocado, and green onion so far (the corn is at the bottom) See how pretty it is!

After you add the remaining ingredients you can start making the dressing.

 

In a separate bowl mix 1/8 cup taco seasoning, 1/2 C. plain yogurt (I didn't have Greek, so I used regular), 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1/2 a lime squeezed, or 1 tablespoon lime juice.

 

**Important step**

Before adding the dressing to the chopped veggies and chicken, pour out as much of the accumulated water at the bottom of the bowl or it will make your salad runny.

After you blend the dressing well, pour it on top of the other ingredients.

Mix well. Chill for at least an hour and then mix again before eating. ENJOY!

 

This is so easy and so delicious. Experiment with various veggies. One time I made this with 3 different types of onions instead of the bell peppers. I am also thinking about using shrimp instead of chicken.

 



Day 4...

I am starting to feel so much better. I've been eating many more fruits and veggies than I used to and I've reduced my carb and sugar intake drastically. My cravings for soda have pretty much disappeared and I am now actually craving water! Since I try to avoid "diet" soda like the plague due to the aspartame, I had been drinking regular soda, which is loaded with sugar. I have to admit though that I have not exercised once...sigh. That was NOT the plan. I have to stop making excuses! It's rainy out, I forgot, I have too much to do, I don't have time. All of those excuses are B.S.

I have been stressed, but deep down I know that working out will help with that. My dad has had a lot of health issues recently and last night I think it all finally caught up with me. I was a balling mess. Woke up this morning with puffy eyes and of course I don't like reaching out to people, so I did most of it while I was in the shower...alone. My husband is very supportive and nurturing when it comes to these things, but I've never been the one to show weakness. I'm the strong one. I'm the one that is there to support everyone else. But, I know that it's okay to bring my feelings to the surface once in awhile. I know it's okay to cry. But for whatever reason I don't like to show my weaknesses, even to my husband. I think for me, I've been holding it back because I refuse to believe that he's getting worse. I'm not ready to let go. Therefore, by crying about it I am in some way admitting that his health is really as bad as it is.

I've cried. I've asked for strength. And now I believe that things will improve for him. I can only hope that his health gets better.

It's time to break out Insanity. Let's go banana's yo!

Conquering Fears

I have done many, many...MANY diets in my lifetime. And I have failed at most of them. But I think the commonality between all of those efforts and the fact that I failed at them was one simple thing. It wasn't will power, although that was part of it. It wasn't that I stopped "wanting" it. It wasn't even that I didn't give 110% of myself to the program. Nope. Because with most of the diets I tried, I did quite well. I can remember losing 17 pounds after 3 weeks on Atkins, 45 pounds after 5 months on weight watchers, 30 pounds after 5 weeks on HCG.....the thing that I failed at was conquering my fear of failing. I remember feeling on top of the world when I would look back and see that I had actually been successful and lost weight. But then something would happen. I would suddenly become overwhelmed with the fear that I would gain it all back. I was fearful of not getting the results I desired which sent me into a tailspin of disaster. And guess what? I gained everything back. Every.Single.Time. I gained it all back and then some. And in doing so it built up a wall of even more fear, so the next time I wanted to lose weight and start a new "plan", I would lose weight, feel good, and then I would hit that wall of fear. It was the dreaded cycle of weight loss.

I still have that wall of fear. It's something I think will always be there. But it's okay. This time I am prepared for the wall and I know that I may not ever be able to break it down, however, I have no doubt in my mind that I can climb over it. So that's what I must do.

Quinoa!! I'm Scared...

Quinoa is one of those things that not everyone cooks...or eats, for that matter. I bought some at the store last week and I honestly don't know what to do with it. Yesterday went well. I had cottage cheese and a nectarine for breakfast, almonds, string cheese, cucumber, for snacks, a turkey sandwich for lunch and chicken stir fry for dinner. I was thinking about not weighing until the 90 day mark because scales are very influential on me. If I have a number in my head and I don't hit that number it messes with my mind and I tend to stray off my plan. So I may just focus on how my clothes are fitting vs. the scale.

I had these amazing plans in my head to go walking every morning but then my jogging stroller got a flat tire. My husband replaced the tube and the following day the pin fell out that holds the wheel in place and we couldn't find it. So, my $200 jogging stroller is useless until I can get it fixed. Unfortunately, this particular one was discontinued in 2011 so they don't make replacement parts any longer. Of course, right! It's always something! This mornings breakfast was a mini whole wheat bagel, whipped cream cheese and a nectarine.

More later...