Dadgummit!!

Well, after such an "inspiring" post I made last time, I feel like an epic failure now. I feel unaccomplished, useless, and unable to complete anything. I feel like I've let myself down. I feel like I've let my kids down and that I am inadequate to be a parent because I am incapable of setting an example of success. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy. I want to be the fit mom. I want to show my kids that you can do anything you put your mind to. I found an inspirational story of Meredith, who was on the Extreme Makeover weight loss edition. She looks amazing. I started following her on Instagram and she posted a before picture and an after picture. I sat there for a good five minutes staring at it...and then I cried.

I cried because I cannot get my shit together and do what she did. Losing weight is THE hardest thing in the world. It takes so much mental readiness, commitment, strength, willpower, and guts than anything else in this world. I want what she has. She has some great phrases she uses; "Do one thing a day that scares you", "Repeat after me; I can do this", and all of these make sense. I get it. I understand what they are saying. The one thing that she has that I don't is the will to fight. I have tried and failed so many times to lose weight that I have no fight left in me. The intentions are there, but the fight isn't. I am the only one who can make this happen. I know this, but I don't care. My feelings are so torn and although I want this more than anything, I cannot seem to make it happen.

I'm in a really bad place. I feel the ever dreaded depression creeping up and I feel like I cannot control it from taking over.

I feel defeated and it's a very painful place to be. I know that until I can change these feelings I will never be successful. But how do I change?