The Wall

So this post has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotion. I had to write because I can't stop crying.

When you spend ten years getting to know someone you connect with on a deep level and invest an incredible amount of time building that relationship only for them to suddenly push you away without explanation, it cuts deep. It cuts even deeper when this person is family, not just a friend.

In fact, I don't know that I have ever felt so much pain or been so hurt by anyone in my life. EVER.

This is what I am going through with my sister-in-law. I loved her dearly. We worked together, laughed together, cried together. And I can't even explain in words what has transpired over the last 24 hours. I am confused and I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. This is the story from the beginning...

My sister-in-law owns a daycare on the other side of town. My son, who will be two soon has been showing signs that he's ready to interact with other kids. His cousin goes to a daycare directly across the street from our home and I was entertaining the fact that if I enrolled him a couple hours a day he could play with his cousin. That would give me a few hours to get some work done AND it's so close I could walk there (since we only have one vehicle right now). I decided to enroll him 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. Yesterday was literally his fourth day going and he came home with his artwork he so proudly wanted to display. I took a picture and posted it on Facebook sharing his creation with my friends. Immediately I get a text from my sister-in-law asking where he was going to preschool. I told her and explained that since I didn't have a car and it being so close was not only convenient but I liked that he already had a friend there.

Immediately I sensed tension. Within an hour she posts on facebook that she can't trust anyone, not even family. She stopped responding to me, deleted me from her Instagram AND her facebook. She deleted my husband from facebook and was ignoring all of my attempts to ask if she was okay or even if she would please talk to me.

The response I finally got was so unexpected and left me flabbergasted.

She accused me of "secretly" taking him to another daycare. That her reputation was at risk because they would ask why I wasn't taking my son to her (they don't even know we're related), she said I was using not having a car as an excuse to deliberately take him somewhere else. I told her I never kept it a secret where he was going and that it had nothing to do with her or her daycare and everything to do with what was convenient for my son and family at this time. She went on to say that she was done caring about anyone but her husband (my brother), her kids, and her parents. She said she was "eliminating anything that creates hurt feelings or heartache". I insisted that is impossible and that part of being happy involves surrounding yourself with friends even if that means risking getting hurt. She said she has all the family she needs (without me).

I feel like I've literally been chewed up and spit out. I feel like someone who was suppose to love me has disposed of me without explanation. She went on to say that she doesn't understand why I'm so hurt when she never felt that she was all that important in my life or a lot of my families lives anyway.

Again, a punch to the gut.

You always expect there will be a time when a friend betrays you and makes you feel like garbage, but never a family member.

I don't have many friends because I am so leery of being hurt. I have always built a wall around my emotions to protect myself from things like this. And I've spent years trying to break through that wall and let more people in.

Unfortunately my heart is heavy and my wounds are fresh. I have no more tears to cry yet it hurts more with every passing hour.

The wall remains.

Dadgummit!!

Well, after such an "inspiring" post I made last time, I feel like an epic failure now. I feel unaccomplished, useless, and unable to complete anything. I feel like I've let myself down. I feel like I've let my kids down and that I am inadequate to be a parent because I am incapable of setting an example of success. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy. I want to be the fit mom. I want to show my kids that you can do anything you put your mind to. I found an inspirational story of Meredith, who was on the Extreme Makeover weight loss edition. She looks amazing. I started following her on Instagram and she posted a before picture and an after picture. I sat there for a good five minutes staring at it...and then I cried.

I cried because I cannot get my shit together and do what she did. Losing weight is THE hardest thing in the world. It takes so much mental readiness, commitment, strength, willpower, and guts than anything else in this world. I want what she has. She has some great phrases she uses; "Do one thing a day that scares you", "Repeat after me; I can do this", and all of these make sense. I get it. I understand what they are saying. The one thing that she has that I don't is the will to fight. I have tried and failed so many times to lose weight that I have no fight left in me. The intentions are there, but the fight isn't. I am the only one who can make this happen. I know this, but I don't care. My feelings are so torn and although I want this more than anything, I cannot seem to make it happen.

I'm in a really bad place. I feel the ever dreaded depression creeping up and I feel like I cannot control it from taking over.

I feel defeated and it's a very painful place to be. I know that until I can change these feelings I will never be successful. But how do I change?

Inspire...

I was trying to think of a great post to write today, but I just couldn't think of much. Then I found this

I wanted to weigh myself this morning. It's a bad habit. I start eating healthy and trying to lose weight and I become a scale whore. Last week I told my husband to hide the scale. So he did. I spent a good fifteen minutes looking for it. In the closet, under the sink, I even got a chair out so I could stand on it and look on top of the cabinets. No luck.

 

Then it occurred to me that a scale isn't going to give me the feeling of being healthy. It isn't going to make my clothes fit looser, or make me fit into my favorite jeans that I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. The scale is also not going to show what an amazing job I did last week of eating a ton of fruits and veggies. Nope! The scale is going to show me one thing; a number. And I promised myself that I would not allow that number to deflect all of the good choices I've made.

 

I feel amazing and that's all I need.

It's the Freakin'Weekend

As if you couldn't tell already, I don't do much blogging on the weekend. Why? Because there is way too much to do with my family, that's why. I can't say that I have been 100% on top of my clean eating journey, but I certainly have made some better choices than I normally would have. I'm not striving for perfection, I am relying on persistence to reach my goals. I did, however make this:

Black Bean Chicken Salad

I love making this because the longer it sits the better it tastes. I like making it on Sundays so I have it all week long for a quick lunch. Here's the ingredients list:

2 cooked chicken breasts (or any leftover chicken you have on hand)
1 can black beans (rinsed and drained well)
1 can corn
Fresh cilantro
1 whole tomato
Green/red/yellow peppers
Taco seasoning
1 small can sliced olives (optional)
Avocado
Plain Greek yogurt
Sour cream
White vinegar
Red onion
Green onion
1/2 a lime for the juice

Combine beans, olives, and corn into bowl. Chop cilantro and add enough to your liking (I like cilantro so I add a good amount). Add a 1/4 of the red onion, chop and add to mixture, slice 2 green onions, chopped avocado and a whole tomato (the tomato I used was from my moms tomato plant). If you have never had a home grown tomato, you are missing out. They are so much more flavorful than the ones in the stores. You don't have to add bell pepper, but I happened to have a bag of mini sweet peppers so I added a red, an orange, and a yellow.

As you can see I have added everything but the chicken, avocado, and green onion so far (the corn is at the bottom) See how pretty it is!

After you add the remaining ingredients you can start making the dressing.

 

In a separate bowl mix 1/8 cup taco seasoning, 1/2 C. plain yogurt (I didn't have Greek, so I used regular), 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1/2 a lime squeezed, or 1 tablespoon lime juice.

 

**Important step**

Before adding the dressing to the chopped veggies and chicken, pour out as much of the accumulated water at the bottom of the bowl or it will make your salad runny.

After you blend the dressing well, pour it on top of the other ingredients.

Mix well. Chill for at least an hour and then mix again before eating. ENJOY!

 

This is so easy and so delicious. Experiment with various veggies. One time I made this with 3 different types of onions instead of the bell peppers. I am also thinking about using shrimp instead of chicken.

 



Day 4...

I am starting to feel so much better. I've been eating many more fruits and veggies than I used to and I've reduced my carb and sugar intake drastically. My cravings for soda have pretty much disappeared and I am now actually craving water! Since I try to avoid "diet" soda like the plague due to the aspartame, I had been drinking regular soda, which is loaded with sugar. I have to admit though that I have not exercised once...sigh. That was NOT the plan. I have to stop making excuses! It's rainy out, I forgot, I have too much to do, I don't have time. All of those excuses are B.S.

I have been stressed, but deep down I know that working out will help with that. My dad has had a lot of health issues recently and last night I think it all finally caught up with me. I was a balling mess. Woke up this morning with puffy eyes and of course I don't like reaching out to people, so I did most of it while I was in the shower...alone. My husband is very supportive and nurturing when it comes to these things, but I've never been the one to show weakness. I'm the strong one. I'm the one that is there to support everyone else. But, I know that it's okay to bring my feelings to the surface once in awhile. I know it's okay to cry. But for whatever reason I don't like to show my weaknesses, even to my husband. I think for me, I've been holding it back because I refuse to believe that he's getting worse. I'm not ready to let go. Therefore, by crying about it I am in some way admitting that his health is really as bad as it is.

I've cried. I've asked for strength. And now I believe that things will improve for him. I can only hope that his health gets better.

It's time to break out Insanity. Let's go banana's yo!

Conquering Fears

I have done many, many...MANY diets in my lifetime. And I have failed at most of them. But I think the commonality between all of those efforts and the fact that I failed at them was one simple thing. It wasn't will power, although that was part of it. It wasn't that I stopped "wanting" it. It wasn't even that I didn't give 110% of myself to the program. Nope. Because with most of the diets I tried, I did quite well. I can remember losing 17 pounds after 3 weeks on Atkins, 45 pounds after 5 months on weight watchers, 30 pounds after 5 weeks on HCG.....the thing that I failed at was conquering my fear of failing. I remember feeling on top of the world when I would look back and see that I had actually been successful and lost weight. But then something would happen. I would suddenly become overwhelmed with the fear that I would gain it all back. I was fearful of not getting the results I desired which sent me into a tailspin of disaster. And guess what? I gained everything back. Every.Single.Time. I gained it all back and then some. And in doing so it built up a wall of even more fear, so the next time I wanted to lose weight and start a new "plan", I would lose weight, feel good, and then I would hit that wall of fear. It was the dreaded cycle of weight loss.

I still have that wall of fear. It's something I think will always be there. But it's okay. This time I am prepared for the wall and I know that I may not ever be able to break it down, however, I have no doubt in my mind that I can climb over it. So that's what I must do.

Quinoa!! I'm Scared...

Quinoa is one of those things that not everyone cooks...or eats, for that matter. I bought some at the store last week and I honestly don't know what to do with it. Yesterday went well. I had cottage cheese and a nectarine for breakfast, almonds, string cheese, cucumber, for snacks, a turkey sandwich for lunch and chicken stir fry for dinner. I was thinking about not weighing until the 90 day mark because scales are very influential on me. If I have a number in my head and I don't hit that number it messes with my mind and I tend to stray off my plan. So I may just focus on how my clothes are fitting vs. the scale.

I had these amazing plans in my head to go walking every morning but then my jogging stroller got a flat tire. My husband replaced the tube and the following day the pin fell out that holds the wheel in place and we couldn't find it. So, my $200 jogging stroller is useless until I can get it fixed. Unfortunately, this particular one was discontinued in 2011 so they don't make replacement parts any longer. Of course, right! It's always something! This mornings breakfast was a mini whole wheat bagel, whipped cream cheese and a nectarine.

More later...

Weight Loss: Vanity vs. Health

There are so many reasons that a person decides to lose weight; they want to look good for upcoming pictures, or a vacation, possibly a high school reunion, they want to fit into that perfect pair of jeans, or they simply just want to see a certain number on the scale. However, for most of us the reasons aren't just to look good. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be thin so I could feel good about myself. I always wanted to wear a bikini at the beach or not worry about my muffin top spilling over my jeans. But now that I am older my reasons for losing weight have shifted. I have several reasons for wanting to lose weight and although I would certainly love to be thinner and feel good about myself, vanity is only a small percentage of the main reason I want to be healthy and lose weight.

My body is apple shaped so I carry the majority of my weight in my mid-section and back. My arms and legs have always been thinner, so when I lose weight, of course my arms and legs are the first to thin out. My belly and back are the last. Being an apple shape means that I run a bigger risk at heart disease and heart attack. Not only that but heart attacks, diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family. I was put on HBP meds when I was pregnant with my son n 2011 and placed back on them a year after he was born. I hate being on medication. HATE.IT! I don't even like taking pain relievers. So, one of my goals in losing weight is to be able to stop taking my blood pressure meds. It's going to take me awhile but I know I can do it. Another ailment due to my weight is a strain in my foot. The arch of my foot is being strained because of my weight. Which is another thing I could have prevented. My knees are also hurting because of the weight they lug around and support. All of these things are because of my bad habits and lack of exercise. What really pisses me off is that all of these things I could have avoided simply by taking care of myself. Now, by no means am I "old", but everyday I feel older and older. So, at this time in my life I am trying to lose weight for my health, not for vanity like I would have ten years ago.

Why are you choosing to get healthy?

Grocery Shopping....UGH!

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate grocery shopping. HATE.IT! I don't like how much groceries cost, I don't like maneuvering my cart around people who park directly in the middle of the isle while they walk away and choose something eight feet away, I don't like making room in the cupboards when I get home. I just hate the entire process. What I do like is seeing my fruit bowl full of colorful produce after I restock it. And that is about all I like about going to the grocery store.

Tomorrow is the first day of my new beginning. My menu is up. Everything is all planned out and I am pretty excited to do this. I even have an activity planned for the day. Since it's a holiday and my husband will be home I want to walk down one of the trails we have close to our house. I originally wanted to go hiking but there is major construction in the vicinity of where we would have to go and parking is a nightmare. I can't wait to post about my first day.

T minus 4 days

I know it's not a good idea to "start" a weight loss plan on a specific day, it's better to just do it. However, there is a holiday weekend coming up, we have family coming into town, and to be perfectly honest I don't want to start out on a bad foot. SO, I have decided to hold off until the 2nd. I am not going to be using a scale much throughout this process so I will be mostly relying on how my clothes fit. I have made my menu for the next week, which I am really going to make an effort to post because it forces me to be prepared. Okay, here's week one:


             Breakfast                         Lunch                   Dinner      
M- eggs/Ezekiel toast             Veggie sand.         Chick. sands      
Tu- Smoothie                  Cilantro/lime shrimp   Chick sausage/pasta 
W- Cottage ch/fruit                Turkey rollups              Tacos                
Th-eggs/Ezekiel toast            Veggie sand.          Pear/sage pork chops   
Fr- smoothie                            Turkey sand.            Philly peppers      
Sa- Breakfast casserole      Chicken/apple sal.            Leftovers     
Sun- No plan!

I would love some feedback on my first weeks menu. Since I don't believe in cheat days Sunday will still be eating under my designated guidelines, but I don't have a plan, per say. Just whatever we feel like making. Also, I will be having 3 snacks a day, typically nuts, string cheese, veggies, fruit, almond butter, etc.

Phase one: The first 90 days

My first weight loss goal is to lose 50 pounds. 50 pounds in 90 days. I've found some amazing resources on Pinterest that have given me some great ideas, so if you are thinking about starting to eat clean, definitely check these sites out. Here is a breakdown of my plan:

Eating: I am planning to eat clean but because I am an experienced "dieter", I am also realistic. And eating 100% clean all the time isn't realistic. Why? Because life happens, kids want treats once in a while, there are birthdays and holidays throughout the year, and by telling myself that something is off limits I am sending a message to my brain that I should have it even more because I'm not suppose to. Therefore, I refuse to put myself in that situation. Nothing is off limits, but I should clarify that I am limiting sugar and white flour to very rarely.

Exercise: I will be doing Insanity for 60 days (6 days a week), and also walking 3-4 days a week. After a round of insanity, I will start Zumba for a month along with walking until the end of my first 90 days.

Start Date: September 1st though December 1st, 2013.

Check these out! Some awesome tips and motivation.
Wendy's Daily Dose...
Eating Clean on a College Budget
He and She, Eat Clean

Prepping and Planning

I have spent the last week making my meal plans and grocery list for the next two weeks. Thankfully my husband is on board with my "clean eating" plan. I understand that we will not be able to eat clean 100% of the time, and I am okay with that. But, I feel that even if we can dedicate ourselves 80% of the time, we will be making progress. I am hoping to cut down our grocery bill. But I'm not sure how successful I will be. Right now, I spend between $500-$600 a month on groceries. The higher amount includes toiletries, cleaners, and diapers. So if I could even reduce that by $75-$100 a month I would be happy. We function off one income, so saving every penny we can will always help us out. I am going to post my first weeks grocery list for our first week of eating clean. My fourteen year old will be heading back to school and we have decided to send her with lunches instead of her eating the schools lunch. She was constantly complaining last year that they didn't give her enough food and she would come home hungry. I feel so much better with her eating food I send her with instead of the nasty processed lunches they provide.

Although my primary goal is to eat healthy, losing weight is my second goal. So I will also be updating weight loss updates as well. I'm excited to share recipes I have in mind and my progress along the way!

It's time

Today wasn't an ordinary day. Today it occurred to me that I must make a change. My life is passing me by one short day at a time. I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight loss tonight and the girl, Ashley, who was chosen to be on the show was much like me. She knew what she had to do. She didn't want to do it because she understood how much hard work and dedicating she was facing. She lost a baby because of her weight struggles, as I did. And she blamed herself, as I did. Her journey struck a chord with me and her struggles reminded me of how I struggle. Everyday is an opportunity to do something better than the day before. I wake up everyday with good intentions, but intentions are just thoughts not being put into motion. I watched her transform. I watched her struggles and her setbacks and while she was making progress I could see myself in her. It's funny because as an obese person I want to lose weight and be healthy so bad. I want to wake up every morning feeling good about myself, but instead I stay in my house hiding behind the walls and neglecting to make a change. I've officially hit rock bottom today. I found out a few hours ago that a girl that I was good friends with in middle school took her own life yesterday. I have many memories of her and the trouble we got into. The summers we would spend hanging out in her rec room. And it hit me that life is too fucking short to wake up everyday wondering the what ifs and the should haves. I  refuse to wait another day to neglect myself, my health, my kids. I'm sick of being the fat mom, the obese wife who hides behind excuses for not attending my husbands work functions. So, I am writing this post to officially say...it's time.

Eat clean dad-gummit!

So, there it is. My plan to change my own habits (note: I said my own, not anyone else's), because that's all I can do. I will do my best to eat only clean/organic foods and exercise.

The only thing I plan on cutting out completely is white flour and sugar. Everything else will be in moderation. I would love to hear about some clean eating blogs and success stories for motivation, so please feel free to post them in the comments. I am going to start a recipe tab as soon as I make or find recipes I want to try. I will post before pictures as soon as I gain enough courage along with my stats.